It’s 3:15 am.

I’ve actually been awake since 1 am.

My mind and body are still finding their way in my new life and schedule. Fell asleep into a hard sleep around 9 pm and woke up at 1am thinking it was already time to go to work.

My house is quiet. But it’s quiet during the day too, with all the kids grown and gone. But the silence now is more peaceful than it has ever been before. Newness. Presence. I’m never alone.

My divorce has been a nightmare.

For many years I did what all Christian women who believe in the sanctity of marriage do. I believed, prayed, submitted, got counseling, fasted, intercession, and cried out to God till my eyes nearly bled as much as my heart. The hardness of a heart can destroy one’s dreams. It makes words fly, hands raise, distance grow and eventually breaks the very covenant you committed to. I knew there were real problems by our first year. One day, I’ll write my book of how I stayed in that marriage for 23 years because my life long soul battle wouldn’t let me lose or quit on my dreams. Little did I know, not even God required that.

But it’s been hard. Not so much because of pain or sadness, no…I lived that out for the last 5-10 years. No, it’s hard because of how long it takes to get simple things done in a court of law. Dear God, our worst sides come out when they’re forced to face reality. Dragging along, it’s been almost a year now. Things will be final in just a few days. My sighs of relief are long and hard…… and I’m waking up in the middle of the night more often again.

It’s not the sleepless, stressful waking up kinda thing. It’s the kinda thing where I wake up at 2 am with a headline for a campaign for a client I can’t forget, or an idea for a sales page I am downloading from heaven or the idea to write a blog post about what’s really going on and truly allowing my writing gifts to grow again. Songs are flowing again. Words are coming and dreams are growing and the multi-colored visions in my mind are growing again! Praise GOD I’m waking up at 1 am, again!

It’s life. It’s freedom. There’s fire in my heart again and dreams in my eyes. 

Even this won’t hold me down. No, actually, it’s elevated me. It’s given me much wisdom and courage and ……. grace. To see into today and have hope for tomorrow, as I never have before.

We might not write about pain like the ones I’ve felt during the last 20 years in our little girl journals. But I find great peace and comfort knowing that the God of all comfort watches over me. He is the restorer of the years, the mender of our hearts, and the One who teaches us to dance in the midst of our storm. It is to Him that I run and find rest. Real rest.

Love you my friends,

Sandi